When googling top fears, public speaking is ranked #13 in the article that first pops up, right between the fear of being alone, and the fear of death. It is a strange thing to be hot all over, having left the stage shaking, feeling like I stumbled over my words more than I’d cared to, only to be told my multiple people how confident and composed I appeared. To be told how good I am at this thing that fills me with great dread.

My very first time standing in front of a crowd was in college. I’d organized an open mic night after a year long absence of the events formally run by some students that had by then graduated. I’d loved attending them so much as a freshman, and missed it my sophomore year so much that I figured if I wanted one to happen again, I’d have to organize it myself. Up for the challenge, I arranged people to perform, I’d put up posters to advertize, coordinated the sound guys, set up some chairs, and showed up to our student union the night of, ready to MC, thinking maybe 15-20 people would show.

Show time came and it was standing room only as the place was packed out- what felt like hundreds of bodies vying for one of the few chairs I’d set up earlier that day in anticipation. I didn’t have time to register how many eyes were on me, no time to be anxious as somebody had to introduce the event, and since I was the sole organizer, I was also the sole MC.

I hear all it takes is 10 seconds of bravery to do something hard- and that was the first time I practiced those 10 seconds with lights shining in my eyes and no time to even think about fear as I introduced our first act.

Standing up in front of that crowd was almost as scary as when I jumped off of a 90 meter tower, my legs the only anchor as I plummeted headfirst toward a river, trusting the bungee cord would spring me back up instead of letting me plunge into the water below when I reached the bottom.

I had to climb the tower myself- each rung a step further from the safety of the ground, and closer to the precipice of the jump.

I’ve been dreading this past week for months- “Global Missions Fest.” Each week it has come closer has felt like a step up that tower, coming closer and closer to the adrenaline filled fall. Not dreading it because of what it celebrates, I LOVE that my church celebrates international missions, and has an entire week of ministry at church dedicated to raising awareness. What I dreaded was my involvement- my “assignments” of who I would be charged to speak in front of.

Even back in Kenya I ruminated over what to share, knowing I had to speak coming home. I brainstormed a couple of different ideas, different themes. “Oh, just tell stories!” people have told me. “Share about your life!” or “Tell your testimony!” Each person is trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it seems like either they are a pro and have no problems standing up in front of others, or they have no idea how real the mounting fear had become.

My ninth-grade biology teacher used to say, “Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.” I like to succeed in what I do, I like to do well, and yes, it’s the fear of being in front of others, partnered with the fear of failing in a very public space. I haven’t been quite sure how to tackle this idea of “preparation.”

“But you’re a teacher! It’s basically the same…” Nope. It’s not. I promise you, it’s not.

When teaching, you can move around the room… engage individual students, provide practice and activities to pull students into their learning, to divert their eyes away from you. I’ve been trained in strategies for engagement, strategies for learning, and structures of how to set up lessons. The expectations are clear, and the content knowledge at the tip of my tongue after years of rehearsing letters and numbers, explaining how they come together into atoms and molecules-Chemistry is ingrained into the depths of my soul. I can talk about it in my sleep.

But “talk about your ministry” is not. Public speaking is not part of the job description, but it is part of the gig-there’s just no training that goes with it. I can’t light something on fire, or pull on my bag of lesson plan formats… I do-we do-you do doesn’t quite cut it when standing in front of a group of senior saints sharing about RVA.

When walking into a room to speak, I have no idea what people’s expectations are- do people expect me to be funny? To be moving? To have crazy God stories to tell them? To make some really cool biblical exegetical point from a given passage of scripture? To talk about monkeys? To tell interesting stories about riveting adventures?

Am I funny? Moving? Interesting? I don’t think so, but I spend a lot of time with me, so I’m not really the best judge…

I’ve spent countless hours at coffee shops in the past few weeks making powerpoints and typing up outlines of notes. I’ve practiced, timed myself, and edited my talks over and over again. I listened to an audiobook about the power of stories and how to craft them well. A sweet friend of mine met with me and gave me invaluable advice on how to share with the littles, then sat through as I practiced not one, but two talks with her, having already practiced one of them with my mom only to realize it was 10 minutes too short.

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In 2 Corinthians 12:9 we are told, “My grace is all you need, for my power is the greatest when you are weak.”

I have been getting to practice this weakness a lot- like a lot a lot, because that is all I have to offer when it comes to public speaking.

Ten minutes in front of a congregation of a couple hundred… CHECK.

Two minutes (two services) in front of a congregation of a thousand… CHECK

Thirty minutes with a Sunday School class of senior saints… CHECK

Fifteen minutes with thirty elementary students… CHECK

Twenty five minutes with the jr. high and high school students… CHECK

Panelist at a luncheon of easily a hundred… CHECK

Sharing at the ladies brunch briefly before they pray for all the missionary ladies… CHECK

With more to come (though more behind me than ahead…) I have had lots of practice relying on God’s strength-and honestly, it’s been really cool to see God show up.

Sunday morning when three of those events were to take place, I found myself literally pacing in circles in my living room before heading to church, responding to a video message to a relative to distract myself. As I finished rambling, I checked my notifications and found a text from my friend who’d helped me with my talk for the kids (literal life-saver btw), “Praying over your talks today, that the Lord would eliminate any fears you have and surround you with his peace as you share…”

The Lord is my strength in my weakness.

He provided exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it, and it’s been like that every single time I’ve stood up to speak. As much as I don’t love standing up on front of my peers and other adults, I do love seeing God appear time and time again to help me in this new space.

So, as I look at that fear sitting in position of lucky #13, I realize I don’t need luck at all- just the strength of the Lord filling my heart with a little more than 10 seconds of bravery. Each talk has me climbing the tower towards the goal rung by rung, gearing myself up to jump. With each step towards sharing, I think I can do it… but I can’t look down. I have to trust that the safety line, Christ, is my anchor. Even if my foot slips, he will catch me. Then, as I reach the platform and stand at the edge, opening my mouth to share, I need to just reach out my arms and fall forward, trusting that my anchor will hold firm, and even as I’m let down from the rope, my head pounding with all the blood that rushed to it, I’ll be okay in the end.

Prayer Points

I’ve got two major talks left! Would you pray for me as both of them are in front of like, a whole church? Not just a small Sunday School class?

-> June 2nd at Leighton Church in the morning service

-> July 7th at First Baptist of Middleville at the 6:00pm service

-> I get to share at the ladies bible study at my church tomorrow! This one is more interview style than speaking, but I could still use some prayers for peace and wisdom about what to share ❤