A little different than my typical anecdotes about ministry, one of the things I’ve had the privilege of doing while stateside on “home assignment” is carve out extra time to spend in God’s word and reflect on who He is and how He’s moving in my life. Below you’ll find one of those reflections, a little more personal in nature, and not about my ministry at all 🙂 So by all means, either “x” out now, or keep reading to get a tiny peek into my heart this past week or so…

---

When starting a book I am still only about 7 pages into a couple of weeks ago, I was greeted in the first chapter with a quote from CS Lewis that has been living, as our dear teens these days would say, “rent free” in my head…

“Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are halfhearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” (CS Lewis)

Far too easily pleased. How this has resonated with me the more I dwell on this statement and the idea of being a half-hearted creature! I am so pleased to sit on my couch and think about getting into shape, a bag of Doritos half eaten and a half a season of the latest binge-worthy show on Netflix left in the queue.

I am pleased to have gone to the gym for half of the week- making only half as many gains as I had ever hoped- then watching my mom struggle with her old knees and still-recovering body from three surgeries in a year over a year ago. Pleased that I am young, even though I stand up from sitting cross legged on the ground to find myself walking just like a T-rex, just like my mom, having just had a conversation with an Aunt about my desire for her level of agility when I reach the magic 6-0, when my life span has doubled from the half of hers it currently is. Pleased to have done instead in my living room only half of a Pilates work-out video since to do the set twice was too hard.

I am pleased to have reached day 100 in my reading plan for the year, even though the year has already passed the halfway mark, meaning I should be far beyond 100 at this point. I’m content to have simply kept showing up despite the feeling of failure being almost two months behind, some days pleased to just tick the box, read the passage and forget to dwell in the presence of the almighty, only accomplishing half of the purpose of opening His word at all.

I am pleased to have gone on one of my home visits to refugees I’ve been doing, sitting there playing skip-bo with non-English speakers thinking maybe I’m doing something in the name of ministry. Content to just listen when it is shared the daughter is in the hospital offering a simple “I’m sorry” in good mid-western fashion, really only half-caring, then sit back in awe as my friend digs in, asking not half as many times as I had, but about twice plus twice again more as many times over the course of our visit until she figures out what is really going on, how she can be intentionally praying, and how she can come back to help, even bringing a translating friend so there isn’t half of a communication through the half-English speaking teenage son.

A halfhearted creature fooling about like an ignorant child, contented to make mud pies in the slums, not knowing the glory of a holiday at the beach that awaits. The irony of this quote is that I wrote the first part of this post just days before I was slated to leave for such a holiday at the beach myself, and so now I propose to you a juxtaposition, an alternate to living half heartedly:

“In you Lord I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God. I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me I will trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me Lord, for I am in distress. My eyes grow weak with sorrow. My soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning…

But I trust in you Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love…

How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all on those who take refuge in you, in the shelter of your presence you hide them from all human intrigues you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues. Praise to the Lord, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege…

Love the Lord, all his faithful people!!! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” (Bits of Psalm 31)

Gosh, David is kind of a dramatic dude- to be fair, his circumstances were kind of dramatic. At the point he penned this psalm, he’d already defeated a giant with a sling and a stone, attacked 200 philistines and turned in, uh, evidence of their death to the king of his nation- who he also btw was commissioned to played the harp for when the guy was going crazy- for the hand of his daughter in marriage.

Since David was kind of a dramatic character, his fame grew in the land and his crazy father-in-law decided David should die since there was a chance God might make David king instead so the king began to systematically hunt him down after the first few attempts at murder weren’t effective.

Everything David did was with his full heart- which is probably why he was labeled a man after God’s own heart. Instead of living half-heartedly, I propose to live instead as one after God’s own heart.

I’m tired of my mud-pies and my weakness that doesn’t even have the ability to imagine what it looks like to live with my whole heart. I imagine the difference between chewing on literal sand- gritty, flavorless, and nutrient-less-compared to a meal prepared by a private chef who has spent hours in the kitchen to prepare a feast, sitting on a veranda with a salt breeze gently ruffling swan shaped folded napkins.

So where does this half-hearted ness end? When does the needle begin to press on towards living fully, in every moment, not just half of the waking hours of the day? I think it starts where David ends his Psalm:

Love the Lord, all his faithful people!!! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”